Saturday, October 11, 2014

Still Struggling

So it looks like this blog is leaning more towards me working out problems than anything else right now.  Sort of like a personal diary gone public.  I had a few good days this week.  I had a goal, I made it to that goal but then it kind of blew up in my face and I'm feeling like I'm right back to where I started.

About two years ago, we bought my oldest daughter a used car.  We bought it from a family member and knew it had some major issues.  I felt since we couldn't afford to buy new, I'd rather buy a used vehicle with problems I knew about than one where I had no idea what could be wrong with it.  It sat for quite awhile getting little repairs here and there until finally this week we put about $1500 into it.  She was driving it around, thrilled with life.  My black cloud was temporarily lifted and all was well in my world.  Then the car died and that little black cloud crashed back down on me.

I just feel like the crappiest mom in the world right now.  I can't even manage to get my teenage daughter a reliable method of transportation. She has put college on hold until she had a way to get to class without relying on everyone else and to get some money under her.  Our money is exhausted, we can't help.  So everything she had planned on putting away for school is now going into getting her car working again and it just breaks my heart.  I feel like a complete and total failure.

So far I think I've done pretty well about hiding the depression from the outside world.  It's only those I've made a commitment to that know there's a problem.  And most of those people just think I'm flaking on them for no reason.  How do you tell someone you can't honor a commitment because you're too sad to leave the house?  Close family knows I'm struggling but I can't admit it to anyone else.  Not vocally anyway, maybe I should just send everyone this the link to this post.  Pathetic right?

I am trying but as my mother said about another issue, it took a long time to get to this point, it's going to take a long time to get out of it.  This is really years in the making.  While I've struggled with depression on and off, I haven't had a crash like this in a long, long time.  Over the last three years, we've had family member after family member pass away.  During the same time, my marriage had issues, my husband had some serious issues, we've had some major life changes and the stress just kept piling up.  I've finally just hit my breaking point and something has got to give.

I am actively working on trying to get past it but it's difficult.  I have to literally force myself to do anything right now.  I know it's going to get better and I've been through a whole lot worse than this in my life so I realize it's just a cycle.  You have your bad times, but it always becomes balanced with good times.  It will be okay, let's just hope my house is still standing when I can finally manage to move past this and take care of it.

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