Thursday, October 16, 2014

Speed Bumps

Sometimes the hardest part of writing is coming up with the title.  A title should be something that completely sums up the entire post.  While thinking of the days events, I recalled an incident that just had me laughing today that involved speed bumps and that definitely applies to this post.

I've been having a couple of decent days lately with my depression but today it started creeping back up on me.  I wanted to just be lazy, but there were a few things that had to be taken care of with Sabrina.  So I sent her off to get the mail while I got ready for the day.  That involved getting dressed in something comfortable, brushing my hair and teeth and throwing on my tennis shoes.  No make up, no great hair style (or even my usual mediocre attempts at styling my hair), nothing fancy.  We got in her car and headed out.  The car is still being sketchy but I refuse to give into it.  Hubbie was home so I knew we had a rescuer, if needed.

We ran around having a great time of it, laughing but still getting things done.  At one point, we pulled into a parking lot and Sabrina was having so much fun going over the speed bumps that five stores past the one we actually wanted, I had to remind her that we had to park if we were going to get anything done.  She wasn't flying over them but going over speed bumps in an SUV isn't the same as doing it in a compact car.  Her little car doesn't handle bumps like my SUV does, oh no, not at all!  So she had some fun with it.

About halfway through our errands, the tiredness hit me.  Full on exhaustion which really made it hard to get through the rest of the day.  We finished up and headed home about thirty minutes before it was time to head out for church.  The kids ended up going by themselves even though I had committed to helping out on Wednesday nights.

We had decided on salads for dinner and didn't run to the grocery store while we were out.  I had two and a half hours to run to the store down the street and pick up stuff for dinner while the kids were at church.  It took me almost that long to get myself going.

I also missed a deadline for a project Zakk had in school.  He was actually supposed to turn it in on Friday and I just haven't been up to helping him with it.  After a call from his teacher today, I had to tackle that as well, past his bedtime.

I'm definitely dropping the ball here and it's so hard not to feel guilty about it.  The guilt only makes the depression worse, but how do you let go of it?  Life is full of speed bumps.  You run full force day after day until one of these little devils creeps up and slows you down to almost a crawl.  I normally have such a hard time slowing down but lately it seems it's just one speed bump after another.  I want back on that interstate, but can't seem to find the right road.

Hubbie's been patient with me for the last two weeks, that ended tonight.  He had gone to bed and got back up a few hours later, upset that I hadn't gone to bed yet.  I'm depressed, I have a houseful of people.  It's nice to have some quiet time without anyone making any demands on me.  He doesn't understand that.  He doesn't know how to handle this situation.  Normally, I'm the one keeping everyone straight, figuring out schedules, making sure everyone's where they need to be when they need to be there.  I'm making sure kids are getting homework and chores done.  I'm the motor behind the wheels and now, this motor is needing a serious overhaul.  I spent two years working full time and going to school full time.  For a year, I was the sole bread winner while he dealt with a job loss and depression of his own.  I was burning my candle at both ends and now, this candle is just burnt out.  We'll get past this of course, just like we always do but this is one speed bump it may take a while to get over.

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