And It's Been Awhile...

...Since I could hold my head up high.  Sorry, couldn't help myself.  Starting a new post is always the hardest part.  And that title slot, I think that needs to be moved way down to the bottom of the page.  Let's write the post and then name it from now on, shall we?

Anyway! As I was saying, it's been awhile since I've posted something.  I've spent the last year on a weird work schedule, followed by three months of an even stranger one.  I've had four awake, non-working, daylight hours every work day and it's just becoming way too much for our household.

We've also taken quite a hit from reality/life over the last few months.  No details, but the household has been dramatically reduced to three of us for awhile.  Making my work schedule even worse.  With the rough time we've been having, I'm looking to make some positive changes around here.

First change starts with myself, as it should be.  I've been having some pretty bad back to back health issues with one leading to a cardiology referral.  If that doesn't kick someone in the butt, I don't know what will!  A few years back, I said I was comfortable with my weight and didn't see a need to "diet", etc. unless it was for health reasons.  Well, now health is an issue.  I had lost a lot of weight a few years back and my hubbie told me I was getting too skinny.  Followed by a resounding yes from his father, lol.  So I stopped doing what I was doing and ended up gaining it all back.  With the stress of the last few months, I'm up almost another 10 lbs too, oops.  So I guess my first goal needs to be getting back in shape.  Ack, I hate cardio but that's the way we need to go!

See, I build muscle FAST!  Really fast, it's actually a severe issue.  Have you ever seen muscle under fat?  Yeah, it just looks like more fat.  So I have to get rid of the fat before I can even think of toning.  Which muscle building probably won't be a factor anytime soon because I take muscle relaxers daily.  Another byproduct of the health issues.  So cardio is where I'll be starting until I've lost about 30 lbs.  It is probably the best thing right now if I really do have heart issues anyway, right?

So this lovely new chapter of my life is going to start with weight loss.  I mean I may as well since I've already made some other pretty dramatic changes recently.  I decided at the ripe old age of 39 to pierce my nose, lol.  Well I did it at 38, but that was only a few months ago.  At 39, I decided to cut off all my waist length hair.  It was only supposed to be cut to my shoulders, but the hair stylist got a little scissors happy with it and now, it just comes to right above my chin.  Most of the length was dead, so it needed a fresh start.  I just didn't realize I was going to start all the way over with it!

So changes, changes, changes.  2015 was about loss, 2016 will be about change.  Now, I've found the determination, I just need to locate the motivation!

Regulating

I have a horrible ability to adjust to things easily.  Most people would see this as a good thing and honestly, most of the time it is.  I adapt to new situations without much struggle at all.  It's terrific really but what's not terrific is the fact that my body adjusts quickly as well.  

Over the last 20 years as I've been treated for this and that, I regulate to my doses extremely fast.  My last doctor would switch me between medications every three months because of it.  I thought that since it had been so long since I had been on medication, I'd take awhile this time.

Nope, not even close. 

My RLS is worse.  My muscle spasms are worse.  And the back pain is back.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, but it really sucks!

But onto more interesting stuff.  Monday, Sabrina started her Phelbotomy classes, woohoo!  She's loving them and came home tonight with specimen tubes, needles and a tourniquet.  She's been going around all night practicing with the tourniquet.  Wrapping our arms and pointing out the veins: cephalic vein, basilic vein, median cubital vein.  Then she practices her one-handed removal of the tourniquet.  I'm so happy she's enjoying it that I even volunteered as her first guinea pig.  See?  There's my arm in the picture.  The gorgeous, young thing is Sabrina.  You'd let her practice on you, right?

Saturday night, Zakk stayed with his cousins at his grandparents house and they all went out for pizza.  He and my nephews were so excited to go, they all piled into my brother-in-laws Tahoe way before everyone was ready to leave.  So in Zakk's boredom, he decided to buckle himself into my youngest nephew's car seat and was in quite a hurry to get out of it before I could get a good picture!

The next day while Dustin and my brother-in-law were being nice and doing an emergency brake job on my SUV, Sabrina took Zakk and the nephews to Steed's Dairy.  

Sabrina

Zakk, Corran, and Brennen

After they came home, I snapped a quick pic of the face paintings they had done at the dairy.

Zakk, Brennen, Corran

Today, I finally finished weeding my garden and thinning out the radishes.  I had been almost done on Saturday when Zakk begged me to take him to Grandma's and wasn't being patient at all!  I also trimmed up my basil and since I had lost three broccoli plants, I filled in the bare spots with garlic.  It's really the only thing that can be planted this late in the fall and I wanted a full garden, so now we will have 26 garlic bulbs to dry out and enjoy come summer.

I went out in the early afternoon hoping to avoid the mosquitoes this time but it didn't work out that way.

All that was after taking Dustin to the doctor, I thought he had strep after loosing his voice over the weekend but it was bronchitis.  I'm not happy with him but that's because I'm probably going to end up with it.  

I don't let the kids have soda except for special occasions and the rare treat.  Grandma's doesn't count.  But I drink soda nonstop, trying to keep the kids from developing the habit, and Dustin will pick up my glass and take a long swig off of it.

  

Good thing I don't drink alcohol often and try to disguise it!  I kept telling him to knock it off because he was getting sick and he'd shoo me saying it was just allergies.  So if I get sick, it's completely and totally all his fault!

And what did I do with all the basil I harvested?

I made basil oil and then topped baked chicken breasts with it, tomatoes and mozzarella for some yummy Chicken Caprese.  It was a hit!!  Incredibly easy and incredibly delicious, basil oil is awesome!  I had never tried it but I think it's going to become a staple around here.  In fact, next planting season I will have to at least double the amount of basil plants.  I made mine without straining the basil out afterwards because I like the color and wanted a stronger flavor, but a lot of people like to retain the look of the oil.

Basil Oil

2 cups fresh basil leaves, tightly packed

1 cup good quality extra virgin olive olive

salt and pepper to taste

Directions

Blanch leaves in boiling water for one minute.  Remove and place immediately into an ice bath to stop the blanching process. Dry leaves with paper towel.

Place all ingredients into a blender or food processor (I used a smoothie maker just for convenience), pulse for one minute.  Let rest for 30 minutes to let the froth die down then either pour directly into storage jar or strain the basil out, then store.

Oil will last up to one week in refrigerator, but let it warm to room temperature before use.

RLS

Two posts in one night!!  Yes, I thought I was done too.  Even went to bed with the hubbie for the first time in a week.  Well, okay, I can't say that as there's only been one night I did try to go to bed with him.  The last week or so, my leg sensations are back when I try to go to bed.  It was one of the reasons I started taking the medicine Neurontin.  It's a anti-convulsion medication used for Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), Epilepsy and Parkinson's Disease among others.

Now I've dealt with RLS all my life.  I remember as a child waking up in the middle of the night with severe leg pain and rubbing my legs against my "silky" pillow to ease the sensation.  As an adult, my RLS came more as crawling sensations that caused me to want to kick my legs out.  But it wasn't just in my legs.  I'd get it in my shoulders and hips as well.  Now it's evolved again.  Instead of the crawling/kicking, it feels like every tendon and ligament in my shins and calves are tightly stretched while the muscles are incredibly heavy.  I have to move them to make it go away.

The Neurontin helped for a little while.  I started at 100 mg and that worked for about a week.  It started happening again so I went up to 200 mg.  A week later I had to increase it again to 300 mg.  300 mg is the beginning therapeutic dose, so I'm just barely scratching the surface of this medication but unfortunately, the side effects are not merely scratching my surface.  My extreme depression is being caused by this drug.  The higher I go, the worse it will get.  The anti-depressant I'm taking to combat it causes headaches and I already suffer from occasional migraines.  I've already had to increase the dosage of the anti-depressant once and the headaches became worse.

So it's this huge cycle.  RLS acts up, increase the Neurontin.  Neurontin worsens the depression, increase the Effxor.  Effexor worsens the headaches, increase the Maxalt (for headaches).  When do I finally call it quits and just stop taking the medication?  I realize I need something but I just get so frustrated.  I went off all treatments for about 10 years just because I got tired of using one pill to treat the side effects of another.  Hubbie didn't like me hurting all the time and asked me to try again.  I'll admit the Neurontin gets the back pain under control and that's really a relief, but this other mess?  There's got to be another way.

Keeping it Real

I've see a lot of things lately about mom wars and lifestyle padding on social media.  I think it's human nature to want others to see you in the best light possible, especially since our society seems to see entertainment value in other's struggles.  Mom's wanting their friends to think they're supermom and almost believing it themselves.  Couples wanting their families to think their marriage is perfect (I've definitely been down that road).  Women wanting their girlfriend's to think they have an exciting life.  I really do understand that, who wants to admit to struggles and pain in public?

I've always tried to keep it real, but I'll admit I tend to only make the good known.  This morning, I posted pictures of my kitty cat romping through the garden I planted last week and then about new recipes I was trying out.  I actually went out and fertilized all my plants and tried a new recipe, but that was in the first few hours of the day.  The rest of the day, I did as little as possible.  Besides chauffeuring the family around until 3, I did nothing else.

Doing nothing for a day or two is totally okay, doing barely anything for a few weeks, isn't.  I've struggled with Major Clinical Depression most of my life.  I've been on and off anti-depressants for over twenty years.  Most of the time I can pull myself out of a funk without medicinal help, once in awhile, I can't.  Right now is one of those times.

I've been rear-ended a few times, a couple of those accidents totaled my vehicles.  I started seeing a chiropractor at the age of 8 after a New Year's Day outing with the family in Lake Tahoe ended with my entire family in the hospital.  I say a few accidents, but the total is actually around 9 of them.  All of them by the other vehicle being operated by someone driving under the influence.  I suffer from pretty bad neck and back pain.  Add in Endometriosis and PMDD and I struggle with chronic pain.  In the past, doctors have tried to treat me with pain killers and sleeping pills.  Seriously one doctor wrote me a prescription for 90 pills of percocet and called it a one month supply.  That just doesn't work in my world, so I stopped all treatment and just dealt with the pain for years.

Recently, I got tired of hurting every single day from the time I moved in bed in the morning til the moment I finally got comfortable in bed at night.  So I found a family physician who didn't want to stuff pain killers down my throat.  Instead, she prescribed a nerve blocker, Neurontin and a muscle relaxer to be taken right before bed.  It's done wonders and I actually go days now without pain.

Unfortunately though, some of the side effects are depression, suicidal thoughts and tendencies.  Luckily, suicide isn't something I'd ever consider.  I have too many people relying on me to ever take that route.  Getting rid of your problems that way only adds to the problems of those you care about.  That's never a solution.

However, my depression has come back full force.  I've literally had about five loads of my clothes sitting in my living room for about two weeks now, waiting for me to fold them.  That kind of makes it impossible to vacuum as well.  My house is clean, it's just not tidy, there's a big difference.  I'm just too tired and lack any sort of motivation.  The worst part is it's easier to just keep washing a few outfits and cycling through those than to look through that massive pile to find something different.  At least I'm still wearing clean clothes, even if it consists of the same yoga pants and t-shirt every day, right?

I am working to get it under control, I know there's a major problem.  I've withdrawn from my family almost completely and I can't function like this and my family needs me functional.  I've started Effexor ER, an anti-depressant, but haven't yet reached therapeutic levels.  I always try to take the least amount possible and fight increasing my dosages but I think it's time.  I've also been trying to force myself to put on a pair of jeans and doing at least one big thing daily.  Today, I not only fertilized the garden, I also made beer bread AND put on mascara to take my son to the Dr.  I'll admit once I was back in the house for good, my yoga pants went back on, but at least I was dressed for part of the day.

Depression is a very serious illness.  We recently lost our beloved Robin Williams to suicide and unfortunately, depression ends that way all too often.  It's not something that should be kept quiet in hopes it will go away but something that should be acknowledged so that help can be received.  Everyone should become familiar with the symptoms because it's a very common illness, especially in women.  But that doesn't mean that it doesn't occur in men.  I've lost both an uncle and a step-brother to suicide and it's the ones left behind that suffer for it.  If you notice symptoms of depression in a friend or family member, talk to them about it.  Become a support system, but remember it's not just something you can force away.  Sometimes, it's really hard to fight your way back to the surface.

National Suicide Prevention Website    

Symptoms of Depression